Shippers Unite, or Not
by 20Waffles20
Summary: Summary: Garcia comes across an intriguing website. The whole team is involved. This is AU… *squints* I think. I saw an actor get asked what they thought about 'shippers'. I started thinking, which generally isn't a good idea, what would the characters think about it?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I just wanted to say that I have absolutely nothing against 'shippers', and I actually find some of the slight manipulations to put characters together to be quite intriguing. FF is a weird site, and I absolutely love it. However, I don't think that the characters would appreciate being used (even put to death in some cases) so readily. I'd also like to openly admit that I am terribly confused by this story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, and I've clearly gone insane.**

"Oh My God!" It was 8 o'clock in the morning, and even Penelope Garcia was usually sullen until her first caffeinated beverage kicked in. That's why Emily and Reid decided to pop their heads through the threshold of the lair. They wanted to make sure that their friend wasn't in dire need of assistance.

"What's going on Garcia?" The woman immediately became flustered and hurriedly tried to clear her multitude of screens. Emily shot Spencer a worried glance and tried again. "Is everything okay?"

Penelope shook her head vigorously. "Um… it's nothing?" She had worked with profiler's for years, so she knew she was already toast. Her chair turned to face them, with her eyes downcast and her hands in her lap. She was showing every sign in the book and they'd be fools not to realize that she was lying.

Emily smiled warmly at her friend's sate. "Pen," she asked, edging closer. She knelt down to put herself in the analyst's line of sight. "What is it?"

The techie released a soft sigh, officially signaling her defeat. "This website I found…" She looked up, biting her lower lip. It was clear to both agents that whatever she had found was very disturbing to her, and she obviously didn't want to share. "It's just, well, see for yourself." She brought up a page and rolled left, and then motioned for the pair to approach the main computer.

To say that they were shocked would have been an understatement. Emily began to blush as she read the text, whereas Reid scanned through it speedily and turned wide eyes to Penelope. "I know," she managed.

"What the hell _is _this?" That was all Emily could say, finding it hard to form coherent sentences. Her mind had just verily exploded in a mixture of outrage and downright embarrassment. She was, after all, a major proponent of one's privacy. This website was definitely an invasion of hers. And, from what she had just read, Derek's as well. Though, she considered, _he _probably wouldn't mind all that much.

"Sweetie," Garcia began. "I swear, I was _just _doing a web search on Derek," she shrugged, "like I always do."

Emily turned to her, face bright red and eyes burning with anger. "Take it down. Now!"

Penelope sucked in her lips tightly. She knew that her brunette friend wasn't trying to direct the anger at her, but it was still coming at her in full force. "I could," she winced, "but it would take awhile." She suddenly found the carpet enigmatically captivating, "There are just so many… I could never erase them all."

"What?!" The embarrassment had completely lifted. Garcia and Reid were now in a very confined space, with a _very _infuriated Emily. "There are more of these?" Garcia responded by simply taking the browser back to the site's archives. That was it for Prentiss. She flopped down in a side chair and brought her hands to her face.

Reid saw the names of his coworkers and friends scattered about the screen. Some of the implied context made him a bit queasy to even consider. "I uh… I think the others should see this." He wasted no time in retreating from the room, and quickly made his way to Hotch's office.

When he returned minutes later, he had four rather disgruntled people in tow. That was to say the least. Their behavior told the two ladies that he had briefed them in what they were about to see. Still, they all eagerly strode toward the monitors. Each one now displayed pages with different search parameters.

Hotch's demeanor quickly shifted to pure anger. He found his name next to J.J.'s, a woman he greatly respected, _and_ he was far older than. He also saw more than a few entries where his name was paired with Prentiss'. Respect was a word he used to describe her as well, along with a few more that he would never outright admit to anyone. Sure he was her boss and, by all means, he was something of a badass. However, that woman was a trained C.I.A. operative. He wouldn't say that he was scared of her, but he wasn't about to risk a situation where he could end up on her shit list either. He was a smart man, too smart to get heavily involved in _her_ personal life. Hell, he was too intelligent to invade any of his subordinate's lives on anything more than a professional basis.

As she looked on in horror at her colleagues, Emily was surprised when she felt even more mortified. First by the exaggerated wink that Morgan had sent her way, and then again when Rossi covertly added his own. This was humiliating, and poor Reid looked like he was going to physically withdraw into himself out of a sheer need to hide.

She could see from her seated position that J.J. was just as pissed as she had been. She thought that probably had something to do with some of the things that had been written about Will. According to the people on that website, Will was an abusive drunk. He was a world-class jerk that absolutely hated the mother of his child. Then again, J.J. could probably live with that bit of libel, but the vividly detailed sexual encounters, with multiple partners (including Emily herself), that had never happened? Yeah. That's what had sent her over the edge, and that's probably what did it for her blonde friend too.

"This is ridiculous." J.J. finally spoke out. "Who are these people, and where are they getting all of this information?" She looked to Garcia because, let's face it, the woman was a fountain of knowledge.

Garcia just shook her head. "I don't know, Sugar. I don't get it either. It's like these people think that the F.B.I. is a Soap Opera, and everybody is getting it on with everybody all the time." She stood up and addressed them all. "And I do mean '_all the time'. _I'm talking in the elevator, the bullpen, the conference room, the jet, the S.U.V.'s, the motel rooms, our homes and apartments, I wouldn't be surprised to find some that were set in interrogation rooms… _need _I go on?"

"You know," Dave put a finger to the screen he was perusing, "you use that nickname for J.J. in this story too…" he turned his upper body so that he was facing the two women, "it's in a drastically different setting though." His eyebrows rose as he delivered the final part of the statement, deliberately trying to elicit the unpleasant faces he received. If they weren't mistaken, David Rossi was actually enjoying this.

"Dave," J.J. said, "that's just gross. First of all, Pen is with Kevin. Secondly, I'm with Will _and_ we have a son." She shook her head and focused her attention back to one of the monitors. "I just don't understand where this is coming from."

"Damn, Prentiss," Derek's voice boomed through the small office. "You get with _everybody_." He took her glare in stride and carried on. "I'm not gonna lie, I'd be pretty interested in a demonstration of this thing you did with Reid." All three of the women immediately shot the man unimpressed scowls. He was oblivious to them though, as he had already returned to his apparently 'hot' reading selection. "Seriously, come check this out. You…"

"Derek Morgan!" Surprisingly, Garcia had beaten both Emily and J.J. to the verbal berating. "How would you like it if I called up your Momma and told her whatever it was you were about to read?"

Morgan froze for a moment, and then spun around. "Right." He looked at Emily. "I'm sorry," and he truly was. However, she wasn't quite ready to forgive him. Instead, she disregarded the whole incident in favor of hashing that portion out later. They had bigger problems at the moment.

**A/N: Okay, so I don't really know what this is. It's really weird, I know, but I'm new to writing and when I'm new to things I just throw stuff out there until I figure out what I like. Anyway, I think I have another chapter of this insanity… Let me know if you want me to write it, or if I'm crazy and should remove this. Personally, I'm leaning toward the latter. I'm not even sure if I want to post it. Also, If you do take the time to review, I'd be interested to know if you're a 'shipper' or not. And, if so, for which characters? **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Well, even though this severely weirded me out, people liked it… so I finished it. I actually did enjoy writing it, but it was seriously strange. I really would love to hear thoughts on this one, and I sincerely hope no one is offended by what follows. It's just how I thought the characters would react. I want to stress that I have absolutely no qualms with any pairings. I don't enjoy reading them all, but I have nothing against the people that do. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, it's not who I am. So if you are offended, please let me know and I'll figure out an appropriate fix. I know people are serious about their fictional 'ships'.**

At a loss for a course of action, the B.A.U. team decided to do some research. They had been delving through the seemingly endless torrent of short stories, and some not so short stories, for hours. Of course they had seen gruesome things. Dead and decaying bodies were about as horrific as you could get, especially considering the kind of people they dealt with on a regular basis and the proclivity those people had to demean said bodies, but having to read about it was a whole other level of weird. Reading the details of themselves and each other being brutally tortured, word for word, was pretty much its own form of torture.

It had been about an hour ago that they had found the first piece of fiction that had boasted "Character Death" in the description. That had been a tough one, one that they had ended up reading together. All in all, the writing seemed to be pretty macabre.

Hotch was finishing a paragraph with the intensely colorful description of one of his agents nearly getting beaten to death when he had decided that he'd finally had enough. He smashed his clenched fists on the desk, effectively disrupting everyone else's reading atmosphere. "If they like us so _damn _much, why the hell do they keep trying to murder us?!" No one responded because, in the end, it was a good question.

There was something else though, something that was beginning to weigh on Emily. She had read quite a few stories about herself. Initially, it was out of genuine curiosity. Then she told herself that it was an academic need to understand the material before her. However, eventually there was nothing more for her to glean. She just, flat-out, _did not _get it. "I'd like to know what they see between Hotch and me? No offense, Sir. I just mean that I've been nothing but professional with you since I joined the team." She looked around the room, wondering if anyone else had an opinion they'd be willing to share.

Hotch had completely lost his anger. Instead, he found himself perplexed by the question that Prentiss had issued. "You did pick me up that one time, after Foyet attacked me," he postulated calmly.

"Yeah, but surely they'd base this stuff off of more evidence than _that_." She still wasn't convinced. "And what about Spencer?"

Rossi jumped on that one. "You and Reid were held hostage together, any sparks fly during that?" It was surprising that he managed to finish the question. Anyone else would have been verbally restrained by a grin that large.

Her shoulders dropped and she gave him a schooled face, careful not to show whatever it was that he was looking for. "I was a little too busy getting my face smashed into a wall to be flirting."

"And you've _never_ been to my home!" Reid almost squeaked. He was definitely going to need therapy after this little ordeal. He was barely containing his nervous energy from his position on top of a table behind Derek.

"Kid's got a point," Derek exclaimed. "Plus, he's 'The Kid'. A little young for your tastes, right?"

"Absolutely!"

That group outburst had sounded a little _too _unanimous. "God guys, I'm not _that_ old." Emily crossed her arms over her chest and looked to her feet.

Garcia frowned; she didn't like it when her friends were upset. "I'm sorry, Honeybunch, but even just thinking of the two of you… actually any of us with him for that matter, makes me feel a little pedophile-y."

Reid's face contorted in confusion. "Why? Wait, what about J.J.? Were both in our 30's."

"Reid did take you to that 'skins game," Derek pointed out to J.J. helpfully. He remembered giving Reid a rundown on the sport before they went.

J.J. nearly scoffed her response to the whole group. "Again," she pointed to herself, "happily committed woman here."

"Well, what about you and me?" Derek indicated the space between himself and Emily.

"What about us? There's just as little proof there as there is with Hotch." Emily hadn't even considered that pairing for as long as she had the one with Clyde Easter.

"I don't know about that," J.J. breathily murmured with bulging eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Emily's voice raised a couple of octaves along with her indignation.

Her friend just casually looked away, praying that someone else would take the focus. That someone was Reid. "Maybe they saw that cut scene between him and me?"

"_What_ scene?" Emily asked sharply, eyes narrowing inquisitively as she turned to Derek.

Derek groaned. "Man, why'd ya have to go and bring that up?"

J.J. chimed in again. "Maybe they saw the vast amount of similarities between you two."

Garcia was practically glowing in elation. This was a thought that she had experienced herself, quite a few times in fact. Her giddiness could not be detained any longer. "Or maybe they noticed all of the totally blatant sexual tension… Or the endless, smartass banter." She barely paused between theories. "Or, hey, how about all of the dreamy glances you cast at one another, or your inside jokes, or…"

"Okay," she cut Garcia off. "I get it Pen. There's some merit behind the 'DEmily shippers'…" She used violent air quotes to emphasize her displeasure with the conclusion of that one, and rolled her eyes at the absurd name. "Alright, fine. I can see how they got those, however thin those explanations might be, but what about _Dave_?"

"I must say," the man in question cleared his throat, "I find that one a little unnerving as well. About as much as being partnered with Hotch. I mean, I feel like we have a pretty clear-cut father-daughter relationship." He looked over to the unit chief that was leaning into the right corner of the room, "I mean Emily and I, of course." There were a few light giggles, but Hotch remained stern.

"You want unnerving?" It was Morgan that asked the question, bringing everyone's awareness to the left side of the office. "This is like the fifth one I've seen with her and Strauss," he pointed to the computer emphatically. That little revelation was met with a strange chorus of "ews" and "whys".

J.J. was still very unpleased about one aspect. "I just don't see why there are entries that put the three of us together in any way, shape or form." She was referring to Emily, Penelope and herself. "You guys are like my sisters. I guess, Em…" she swallowed, finding her throat suddenly dry. "Well I've never seen you date anyone, but PG and I are in relationships with men."

Emily's mouth had dropped open at J.J.'s words. "Wow, I'm just going to go ahead and stop this here. I just got back from being literally _hunted _down by my ex fiancé, I'm not exactly in the mood to 'hit the clubs' and 'troll for dudes'."

"Come on J.J.," Morgan got up and turned to Reid. "I'm an obvious player. Reid here," he clapped a hand on the kid's shoulder, "has had _multiple_ girlfriends," he then pointed to Hotch. "He was married and has a kid, and Dave," he stopped and thought for a moment before throwing his hands in the air in resignation, "he's Dave. Yet there are a ton of entries of us doing all kinds of things to, with, for," he looked at the nearest screen and his eyes widened, "_without_ each other." He sent Reid a flagrant wink. It startled the poor guy so much, that he almost fell off of his perch. "It doesn't have any bearing on us though."

She heaved a deep breath. "I guess. It's just… hard to fathom. It's hard to imagine being with any of you like that, you're all like family to me."

That was a sentiment that they could all agree to.

"Okay," Hotch stood up. His mind was made, and there was no more discussion to be had. "I don't care what federal or state laws you have to break Garcia, I want that site brought down."

"Oh," that command brought Penelope fully back to her gleeful self. "With _pleasure,_ Sir."

**A/N: I intermittently laughed about writing this for a good 30 minutes after I finished. I should probably also say at this point that if there were a 'ship' that I believe could actually hold water, so to speak, ****on the show** it'd be Morgan/Prentiss. On FF I can see JJ/Hotch or _even_ JJ/Emily, depending on how they are written. **They're both a little bit of a stretch in my opinion though. ** I know I left out some, but it was kind of hard to keep straight to be honest. I think it's mad cool how different people pick up different things from tv shows though. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Oh, and I was actually kind of sad that they took down FF in the end…

**Edit Note: ****I noticed that I'm getting some followers, and** I just wanted to make it clear that I don't plan to add any more to this. If I get an idea in the DISTANT future, then maybe. I have no plans to continue this at the moment though. 


End file.
